the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I think my moral compass just broke
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
