I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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