when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
