All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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