So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
