At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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