I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
