Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
