My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
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