and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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