The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
