my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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