he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize