Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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