Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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