I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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