I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
