one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize