My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize