A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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