What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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