I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
