We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
