i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
