Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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