That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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