I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
