but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize