Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i think my mom watched the whole time
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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