ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
