I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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