I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
