Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
