Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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