I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
