like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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