i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
