he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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