3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
