I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
