Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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