How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
2020 sucks, I want a refund
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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