i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
