Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
