tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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