When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
