The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The convent might be a nice break from real life
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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