Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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