He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
