Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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