please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
