the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
