On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
