I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
