Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
