You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
