you would pick up someone in the library
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
