i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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