I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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