Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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