Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
