o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I think I sprained my soul last night
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
